Leader Policy for One-on-One time with Students
To say we live in a rapidly changing culture is almost an understatement. I am often reminded that what I see as simple things have become very complex in modern America. Recently, I was asked about our church policy on student leaders hanging out alone with students. While my first response has been to roll my eyes and shake my head, as I make what are maybe inaccurate assumptions about why it is being asked, I have to remind myself that we are in an era where things happen, people are messy, and our desire remains for the church (the body) to be a safe place. Initial thoughts: Our model at One Life for students is ultimately to give them an authentic discipleship experience with adults, as we walk through life together. I can never brag on our student leaders enough because when it comes to disciple makers, I believe we have the cream of the crop. We raise up leaders who value the next generation, as they say YES to walking along side students and doing this faith journey together. When I think about discipleship experiences, I think of my friend Sarah. When she was in 7th grade, I received a phone call from her parents on a Friday night. I was on my way to a football game to hang out with my Young Life team and some high school students. Her dad, who was one of the most calm and level headed men that I knew, sounded a bit distraught as he asked me if it would be possible to change my plans and take his daughter out to dinner that evening. He couldn’t tell me much other than it had been a very rough afternoon in their house, and they felt like their daughter really needed someone to talk to. They were looking for someone to share the same things they were saying in a different way, so that maybe it would shed some light on the situation. So, being the wise, mature 20 year old that I was (Sarcasm), we went to CiCi’s pizza, and I spent a lot of time listening to the ramblings of a confused, impressionable 12 year old, teenage girl.
So now that 9 years have passed, Sarah and I both mark the dramatic night of CiCi’s pizza as the time where she became more than my best friends little sister. It started a journey of friendship and discipleship because of a shared experience where she was willing to open up to a safe person in a safe place. Now, would she have shared the same information with me if another adult had been there, or if her best friend had been there? Who is to say for sure, but I do know in my own experience the most vulnerable times in my life that have led to transformation either in my own life or the life of others, haven’t been in groups of people, but rather in one-on-one conversations of trust. The uniqueness with Sarah is it was a process. The process of shared moments over ice cream, dinner with her family, and pool days built trust over time. It allowed her to find herself in the midst of college, traveling down a very broken road, and as she made a last minute decision to come home for a weekend, she ended up sitting across from me on my couch and sharing some very vulnerable things she had shared with no one else because of a process that had build trust over time. It was a process that has lead to one of the most meaningful relationships in our lives 9 years later.
Practical thoughts:
1. Know Their Story- Our desire as Student Leaders is to raise up the next generation to reach the next generation. We do this by developing authentic relationships with them because that is when discipleship happens at its best. As humans, we all desire to be known and loved. Yes, that can happen in a setting of 3 or more, but when I look back at some of the most significant conversations that have pushed me forward in my faith journey, or where God has used me to push others in a new direction, it has usually not been within the confines of a church building or even a small group, but rather sitting across the couch from someone who has earned the right to speak truth in love into my life. For girls, these conversations along their worship circle can often involve tears, and let’s be honest…who wants to ugly cry at a coffee shop or restaurant?
2. Discipleship is messy- Yes, every one of our student leaders has a required background check before they lead. Yes, I am an advocate that our student leaders are the cream of the crop in our community. We don’t have general leader sign ups. We make a personal ask to people who we know and trust. I can’t think of a better group of people I would choose to partner with our families as we do life with the next generation. However, I would be naive to think that even the best people are not prone to fall or to make mistakes. We have to walk in wisdom. There are gray areas in the process of discipleship. Every family and every student is not the same. We want to honor that. It’s a process that deserves respect.
3. Permission to say no- Parents, you have the ultimate authority and best interest for your child. If you are not comfortable with your middle school or high school student being alone with an adult, you have permission to say no, thank you. We know that you are the most influential person in your students life, and we will absolutely respect the decisions made for your family. We know that what works for one doesn’t always work for all. However, we want you to know that you have a team of adults at One Life who are for you and for your family. We hope our leaders are connected to you, but we also hope you feel encouraged to connect to the leaders of your student. Relationships build trust over time.